All the hands

Reflected upon my eyes were the gloomy clouds. The morning was quite dark and it did forced me to fight with my struggles upon repulsing on waking up very early in the morning.

It was raining outside. But it was a light one. All of the pathways, the walkways, the stairs and everything unshaded were wet by the drops.

It was just an unfortunate, that as I was on my feet heading towards the ground floor through the stairs, the sole of my shoes failed to grip me tight on my stands. It was slippery.

I thought it was enough for only one slide, but it summed up to be three steps I have skidded. Lucky enough, I didn't trip. I didn't fell. I still could hold on to my balance. It was only my feet.

The best part of the incident was all the hands that offered me their helps. Even the ones that I'm not close with, and the ones that I didn't even know. At least I know—the world is still safe.

He has found the answer

She heads through the door trembly.

There is something about her. It catches his attention straight away. It is a relieved that he is still with his mind. Unlike the days when he had to put in and top up caffeines into his favourite cup for several times. Apparently, the caffeine is not helping him to stay still in front of his desk to finish what he has started.

It is hard to see through the glass when the reflected lights win over his sight. It pains his eyes. He tries to find the right arm of his glass and lifts it up. As if he can make the pain any lesser, and it does, with a little bit of rubs on his right eye and a few pinches on the bridge of his nose.

The traffic is purely at ease that night. He observes the humans of his town crossing the road and passing by the street. There is something about the condition that simply makes him very pleased.

He turns around and grabs his jacket from his chair. He checks out himself on the mirror before he is devoured into the dark after he passes the door.

♠

The bell on the door amuses him, as if he is always welcomed to come over. He sees the familiar eyes on the counter and reaches over. He orders as what has he been ordering for the past few months and tries to find the best seat next to her.

♠

"I live upstairs."

"So you saw me."

"Quite a few times."

"This is my aunt's."

"Oh."

"I saw you too."

"You seems nothing but green."

"I just love green."

"And why is that?"

"It just happens."

♠

For the last time, he splashes the water onto his face and then stares at his reflection on the mirror. The same man, the same figure. For a few seconds, the mirror is accumulated and covered by his breath of sigh. He seems loosen.

It is a different night. He wonders if the caffeine can put him on relax just as how he is in the exact possession right now. The meet was brief. The talk was short. It taught him something, nonetheless. Voluntarily, he is slowly engulfed in his dream.

He has found the answer.

Nobody said it was easy

You know the feeling when the end doesn't feel like the end? Because you are too exhausted that you can hardly feel the exact moment that you live in at a time. The effect is still on. I remember it has been a long time since the last time I felt very empowered and highly enthusiastic over the feeling after answering the last paper of exams. And it's not anymore, as of my degree life.

Nobody said it was easy. 

Nothing is easy. 

I rarely say stuff or two about my study, if you realized. But this time, I'm on it. It's not that I want to rant over the fact that I'm having a very hard time to cope up with my study. No. But to state it clearly and honestly; it's not easy. And I'm not comparing my study with others'. 

Talking about comparing the scale of hardness of the things being studied. I would have a hard time to composed myself  with calming and positive thoughts to repress myself from voicing out my reply (which contains hurting elements) to some people's statement that I highly despise. It is something that I have to tell other people about how it triggers my inner other side, that I don't have the guts to show and praise it on the person who makes me feel like punching everyone in the room. 

I don't want to lose people in my circle. Because it's not easy to let them in. I have to protect and preserve the bonds. Losing is not okay.

Maybe it's not them, it's me.

Maybe the way I poured out my feeling has made them feel like I should have known about theirs and I should stop complaining.

Maybe I thought it was okay to express my feeling as I believe it could relieves me.

I remember all the biggest moments relating to this incident—peoples comparing my study to theirs; saying how harder theirs than ours; explaining how my study is way easier. And when one doesn't meet their expectation, they judge and state it out why one shouldn't—"it's easy".

In case you missed it; it hurts to hear all those proud comparison. Now I know how it likes being cruelly stabbed right in the heart, virtually. I'm fragile, even only all those statements could easily cracked me up. Little did I know it would stressed me out even up until the present. Man, it's not easy to remind yourself that you're not stupid.

No one has it easy.

That I hope people wouldn't make it any harder for others.

She doesn't have anything to do with me anymore

"She doesn't have anything to do with me anymore."

♥

Her legs were weak. She broke into pieces and involuntarily fell on her knees.

The words were still playing in her mind, freshly.

She crumpled the old unfortunate leaf out of millions from the ground and let it tattered pieces by pieces by the ultimate force from her hand. But the force was nothing compared to her heartache.

♥

She pulled the knob. The door opened hesitantly with an annoying creak sound.

She thought of drowning her head in the sink. It was pretty much very welcoming with its perfect size and water-filled.

She stayed static at the door. It was just three steps away.

She uttered a curse at the sink. By that, she only looked at herself through the mirror behind the sink. She thought she looked frail.

♥

She curled into a ball on her bed.

It was a lonely night.

It was a sad song night.

She went off with the line from one of the songs; if you love me, why you leave me.

♥

There was a heavy rushing steps behind her.

She heard her name being called but she resisted to stop, let alone turn behind.

He stopped in front of her and gasping for air.

Their eyes interlocked.

♥

"I was about to tell you—"

"I know, I don't have anything to do with you anymore."

♥

"—I miss you."

Nice to meet you, Helen!

I sat alone among the bunch of people along the steep side on the edge of the lake. It was deadly hot and if only I was smarter, I would bring an umbrella. 

I tried to enjoy watching the competitions. I was amazed by the team works of the participants. I couldn't take my eyes off of their custom made jerseys, especially the ones without much of a clichéd design. It's brilliant.

I was aware of the many eyes behind me. I was nearly surrendered by the thought of lonely but I resisted. Being alone sometimes could shatter the level of my confidence, I couldn't help.

As I was struggling to keep myself stay, moment by moment peoples kept on filling up the spaces near me. I felt safe. They tried to keep their distance away from me, and it wasn't a big deal as I understand the fact that we're just strangers.

Time passed by just quick. Halfway through the session, I've already felt comfortable with lone. It was fine, at least. And that's when someone was dare enough to squeeze herself next to me filling up the gap between us. She's got an umbrella and she's just too cool that she's let me hide under the shade of it. We talked for quite sometimes and even sang to some of the upbeat songs played.

It's not that we expected it to be like this.

The beauty of meeting strangers and making friends.

Although we probably would never meet each other again, except by coincidence. At least, I remembered to ask her name before our undesired farewell that we forgot to exchange goodbye.

Parted

The first time I saw you, you were eating some leftovers next to the big black dustbin. And I didn't have the guts to touch or even caress you. I just meowed and looked at you. You were scared but you didn't run away. You were so hungry. But the next day was different.

It's been my habit for every night to go for the water cooler to refill my water bottles up. It's located next to my block, so I have to cross the place that I've met you before I could find the bridge that connects my block to the next block. Little did I know I was searching for you when I didn't see you. So I stepped closer to the place that I saw you, and I found you. You were lying at the corner end. I saw you were looking at me. I tried to call you. To my surprise, you came to me. Irresistibly, I put my hand on you and started caressing you. That's when I noticed you have this big swollen part under your stomach. I observed the way you walk. Either one of your legs is not working well. I checked out the rest of your body, it seemed that you've been beaten up OR fell somewhere OR you just born like that. You're alone tho.

I came to my room thinking what could I do, since you're friggin' stuck in my head. I told my roommate about you and my plan. She's so supportive that I could cry. It's funny that I have to think many times, whilst what I wanna do is a good thing; I don't know what sadder than this. I made a step anyway.

I have to wait for three days. I was so happy that the beginning of it has already showed some lights. For three days, I tried to supply you with milk and some food. I remember the time I made you some milk, you drank like there's no tomorrow. It must have been long since the last time you've parted from your mother.

The day has came, which is today. I tried to spend my last time with you by patting and caressing you as much as I could. I even tried to find a box for you. And the awaited call has came. So I put you in the box that I've found for you and brought you along. Don't worry, I gave you to someone that I trust. She even brought a pretty pink cage to place you. The time I saw her eyes when she sees how suffer you are with your condition, it convinced me that I gave you to the right hands. Plus, she asked me nothing, nothing, but to catch you.

I believe you're now maybe lingering around and familiarizing yourself with your new home. You even have many friends, right? It's your new family. I hope you're doing well there.

Long live, dear kitty. Don't forget me ah. I always love you, remember.

September 25, 2015

Footsteps

I thought I left some footsteps to be noticed by you last night.

No, I'm really sure I had. Well, it looks like you saw it. Bummer, you scrubbed it off as if I never came. The views are just clean, you did a pretty good job at putting things back. As if it never happened. Even a little tiny hints of it, they were all gone.

Twice it happened. Maybe if it's for the third, if it's just the same again, then I'm done. But I think maybe two is already a good indication. A confirmation.

It is such a distasteful that you're coincidentally being luckless right after I decided to come visibly appear. I thought of giving myself a savour of satisfaction after your latest unfortunate event hit, because I was feeling extremely challenged by your pride. It did torture me a lot, you have to know. But no, it'll even puts me under the depth of shame if I'm being delightful for someone's misery.

I doubt if I will ever come again. At least you know I was there.

The consideration

I don't really like talking about people who reserved a place in the bucket of the least favourite people in my life. The much I could do is leaving them alone, I heard that's what's best because it does both parties a favour.

There's always this feeling that always slaps me whenever I have to hear about them. Sometimes I would just clench my teeth and pretend to hear nothing. But most of the times, I fail to terminate my head from playing the imagined-stuff. It's going to be very, very sick.

I'm not a fan of disliking people, it's ridiculous. Well it's even more ridiculous that I feel annoyed whilst they just want to live comfortably. Here's the part about satisfying yourself if you're careless—you may offend people. If I could, I would just live my life without consider about others. But that's not how to live.

I have liked you since

Remember when you had me knocking at your door but you pretended to hear nothing? I kept leaving and coming for you. It was funny that you didn't know I could look you from the tiny part of the glass wall that failed to be covered fully by the solid-coloured wrappers. For your information, I saw you, and you just sit there dumbly.

I always had a hard time every time I tried to think what mood you would be in on the days I had to see you. I would feel scared for the rest of the time with you when you're not in the good one, because you would drag everyone to be knocked off by your anger.

Once, there was a girl begging for whatever it had to do with you. You pitched your voice high and convinced her that you could do nothing about it. The girl must be very hurt as she said she wanted no one but you. But, you pushed her out. Yet, you still had me at your explanations.

You set up everything as if other's voice doesn't matter. You seemed doesn't care about the hows, as long as the goal you've been aiming could be achieved. I thought it was very selfish of you to ignore the reasoning behind their doubts on the hows. Yet, you fixed the durations for the validity, so that they had to do it for whatever it takes. I hated you since.

It was an exciting day. I had let myself enjoying the pleasant vibes of the beach with you and the others. But first, you had to nag. Until then you were okay to release me and the others out of the unshaded spot, it was very hot. Much minutes later, someone was excitingly calling you for when he thought he saw something that you ever explained us on. You seemed furious. You seemed very pissed with what I could infer as worry. I thought I saw another part of you, I hated you less since.

It was the day. I didn't know if I could ever see you again. I wished I could do the best for the very last time with you. You seemed very pleased for the rest of the time of that day. You said nothing but words of an indication of approval. It was very nice of you. 

Remember when you said you really appreciate the efforts?—

—I have liked you since.

A good one

"Make a good one."

"Sure."

♣

"I thought you heard me."

"I heard you."

♣

"This is the worst."

"You said make a good one."

"You did think this is a good one?"

"A good one doesn't always mean euphoric."

Beautiful tainted words

I woke up with a mind buzzing with the struggles to find the right says about the significance of the title of this blog. It's not something that come right away, much more likely if I have to choose between cheezy wedges and cheese balls, both are my favourites! I have came up with many brainstormed ideas yesterday that I don't remember much about it, maybe it has to do with the fact that I haven't had a cup of hot chocolate yet.

I love wordy words, especially if they're played, put, arranged just perfectly fit in every sentences. I was for many times amazed by just reading. It doesn't matter if it's a short one or the other way round. If it's good, it's good and be forever questions by my not-so-intelligent head on how God has made someone who could write as beautiful as a pretty contented soul but the person is not me.

Other people don't get it, but as far as I know words could heal and hurt at times. I am the worst at describing and explaining. I have it all in mind, but it comes out just not right, I'm afraid. Sometimes I exaggerate and most of the times I simplify, and that's how I came out with "tainted". Along the way to make sure I have the words out of me, the real of the story ejected unrealistically as the words have been frantically polluted, let alone the fact that I'm trying to polish my writing skills.

I believe beauty is subjective, it depends on the personal favour and I respect it. What I have in mind is that--words are beautiful. As I mentioned earlier, it can heal and it can hurt, according to time. Should I propose the background and behind of this blog title, it would be this.

Bear in mind that I'm no a good writer nor that I wouldn't want to be one, give times. I hope you have a good time reading my beautifully tainted words. 

I did it again

It's just like a dream back then when I told myself--try to stay. I pasted my words on a site that I signed up to. Changing places has become my habit. Maybe I go down for it when I can't feel the comfort anymore. I don't really get it myself. I tried to think about why I'm being like this. Maybe it's a progress. I notice that whenever I want to improve, I will leave everything behind, and start with something freshly new. Although it seems what I'm doing is just the same.

Hope sometimes is good to help me driving across, and at the same time is worrying. As hope is just a hope, until I do something about it. Yet, even if I do something about it, it's not going to shape as how I hoped it to be. It turned out to be the best for me, at least I try to think of it as it. Perhaps, last year today, I struggled to turn down the urge of what I'm feeling now. I didn't even stress the exact point of what I should do, that I had put the word "try".

Well, habit is a habit. I did it again.