The rise and fall

On some days, the skies are all just blue and the clouds seem to be clothed clean without any hint of rebel. Even the sun, that it seems to cheerfully greet the earth upon the start of the day until it vanishes down unwillingly to make way for the moon to take over its obligation. 'Obligation' is quite incorrect in this case, because 'routine' may surpassed the definition of satisfaction upon performing something with whole will. 

The surrounding's condition somehow might complement the state of life of someone, if it happens to be equally in the same horizon. When the days just feel like not the another days. Waking up in the mornings seems to be taking a lot lesser of pushes. Waiting for tomorrows seems to be taking forever that the pressure to end the day as quickly as possible seems to constantly kicking in. Because that's what being at the uppermost point do. Even when the thunder seems to growl, even when the stress from loads of works stacking up without any hint of settling down, even when things seem to be going in the wrong way. Speaking of being in the slightly upper part of state in life. 

Temporarily at ease. People seems to missed out on how being at certain peak reflects the reality of the tendency of falling down. Either way; consciously or unconsciously, descending slowly or dropping low just in one-go are the trickiest part in due to the irregularity of the paths walked toward the peak. The thing about falling is that there will always be something that could be clung on in order to at least diminish the impact of the downturn and strive to fight for the current position. The ground will always be there to serve place for landing and also prepares spot for departing. It is always welcoming and even providing site for stay.

The contradictions of being at top and at bottom, such as being at peak and at rock-bottom. The inclination toward falling by being at the top due to excessive requirement of stability. The comfort that the ground provides of which standing up seems to be just as hard. Easy to fall, hard enough to make up.

For the record—if I were ever to define rise and fall.

It's okay

Perhaps it comes to where we should refer the ground to—our human nature, that whenever the contents of conversations seem beyond our knowledge, we refused to concede the ill upshot of our ignorance on our pride. 

We pretend to know everything, or ‘almost everything’ to say it the least. We would nod to all the shared stories and agree. Faking facts would do so much to impress others that we would feel very glad because they in turn, of course, would believe everything. Forcing ourselves to making up points would be enough to mask the holes and faults on our grasped understandings list that we do it recurrently since it has become our habit.

Because being the left-out one is such a pain in the ass. We’re afraid of being unaccepted. And we are even more petrified of isolation. The feeling of loss, only God knows how hard it is to bear that we thought by always being one in the lots would verify our level to be the same as the rest. We’re panic of being at the most bottom part of any altitude. And everything goes on in only one stance—pride. Because we're so engulfed in our chaotic life that we take every single things as a competition.

Being the human myself, I don’t want to back any sort of excuses to turn down my truth on the matter. I was very insecure of being the only not-knowing man in the circle. It was when whenever people to seem have the knowledge of something, I would feel very challenged and then bounce back by standing up to the capacity of knowledge that I didn't really have even the slightest idea of.

Little by little on getting closer to open up my mind fully on how these things should be turned over, it came to my realization that I have actually been surrounded by such people that I failed to change my perspective on the matter earlier.

Everyone knows that it’s very important see things in a larger view. But still, most people are unaware of the things that they thought would make them feel superior are actually the things that pressured them the most. And they even failed to realize that—it’s okay. 

It's okay to not know everything because that’s how we grow. It’s okay to be wrong because it’s part of the learning process. It's okay to be different than the rest because that's how we should be. It's okay to be on the bottom because you'll get to where you wanted to be someday. And the most important thing is—it’s okay to be kind to yourself.

The presence

Most of the time, I will be self-consciously engulfed by the thoughts about my presence in this very sphere. It's just a huge blank canvas that I entitled myself to deposit my dormant and constantly filtered crumpled pieces of unsettled notions in my mind. I'm very aware of it.

The curiosity about my own presence in a specific zone may never hurt me even the slightest of that I always just let the thought of it slip away. But the thing about letting things go is they will keep on coming back. Even if it's not, it's just not now.

Maybe the fear to learn the truth is the one that responsible putting us in an ignorance state. As if someone coming at your door that you tell to go away only on their first knock, they didn't even enter. Because we afraid, we will lose to the truth.

But we can't keep on running forever. The truth is, I can't keep on my run. I can barely sense my feet anymore. The sore on my muscles feels denser than before that it makes my head suppressing itself from everything but the agonizing pain. 

I decided that it's time to not only convince and console but also to remind myself that it's okay to open up to the things that I keep on combating against all this time. Even when the judging eyes are hurting, even when the existing ears are not listening, even when the words are cut off and people digress to another topics leaving you feeling unacknowledged.

I was very afraid I would never fit in. Too defeated by the sensational terror-stricken, I lost count on the undesired upshot that may reserve some impacts on the growing thoughts in my head. I can't help but feeling panic thinking my notions being unheard and distorted that I will decide to give up on letting my mind grow. Fret not, I won't. 

Because I'm alive to my presence here.

Another year older

It's just another birthday.

I remember last time I was feeling quite hurt inside rather than relieve for birthday wishes. It's one thing that the fact people forget birthdays and another thing that you actually stay in their mind. But this kinda measurement could be inaccurate since excuses will always be there for you to consider.

It's not the same, as of this year. The feeling is different. It's another occasion to prove the "make yourself busy so that you can forget easily" certainty. We have been busy with the preparation for my sister's engagement these few days. It did force me to push myself away from all the things that I normally spend my most time with. Since it's stuck in my mind and the day was getting nearer, there's no way that I could relax myself and thinking much of another things. It was like a drug that suppress myself from anxieties. And that's how I don't really think of my birthday this year.

To know the number of my age getting bigger each year and the fact that I'm getting 'older' really helps me to open up for many things. Nonetheless, I'm really grateful for all the loves that I don't know how and what to exchange with.

Happy twenty-first birthday, to me.

It was all good

Now that I've come here. There's no point of turning back. Looking back at it, it's safe to say I've outgrown the little compartment that I thought I would never fit in. 

As I was sitting here, with my hands kept on clicking the alphabets and backspacing every undesired letters since the words that I was going to put were just messing around with the little voice inside of me, there was no way that I could solemnly deliver everything of what I have learnt and embraced from 2015. There was just as much as I could remember—and it was all good.

Come to think of it, new year is just a new year. The fact that we, peoples, are celebrating it by re-glam it with new hopes, aspire it with new ambitious holy targets or even re-new everything of the postponed or left-undone aims; is actually patched a serious nuance to it. And I'm very not embarrass to admit that I'm just one of the lots that keeps the new and re-new resolutions up every new years.

I always stick to the real fact that—I've learnt many things. Some were the ones that I've been looking forward to and the others were just happened without my conscience. Although some things were quite hard, it did actually teach me to deal with it disregard of the level of the firmness.

I've learnt to love[accept] peoples that always exhibit the reason why I shouldn't do one; to let people treat me the way they want without consider the kindness that I've thrown at them; to let go of the souls that I love dearly; and most importantly, to show peoples some loves.

This writing is no near to the extravagant and doesn't even contain a very splendid pieces but there's so much to appreciation, remembrance and reminders. So when I decided to go back, I know where I've come from and I know where shall I head up to.