The presence

Most of the time, I will be self-consciously engulfed by the thoughts about my presence in this very sphere. It's just a huge blank canvas that I entitled myself to deposit my dormant and constantly filtered crumpled pieces of unsettled notions in my mind. I'm very aware of it.

The curiosity about my own presence in a specific zone may never hurt me even the slightest of that I always just let the thought of it slip away. But the thing about letting things go is they will keep on coming back. Even if it's not, it's just not now.

Maybe the fear to learn the truth is the one that responsible putting us in an ignorance state. As if someone coming at your door that you tell to go away only on their first knock, they didn't even enter. Because we afraid, we will lose to the truth.

But we can't keep on running forever. The truth is, I can't keep on my run. I can barely sense my feet anymore. The sore on my muscles feels denser than before that it makes my head suppressing itself from everything but the agonizing pain. 

I decided that it's time to not only convince and console but also to remind myself that it's okay to open up to the things that I keep on combating against all this time. Even when the judging eyes are hurting, even when the existing ears are not listening, even when the words are cut off and people digress to another topics leaving you feeling unacknowledged.

I was very afraid I would never fit in. Too defeated by the sensational terror-stricken, I lost count on the undesired upshot that may reserve some impacts on the growing thoughts in my head. I can't help but feeling panic thinking my notions being unheard and distorted that I will decide to give up on letting my mind grow. Fret not, I won't. 

Because I'm alive to my presence here.