It's okay

Perhaps it comes to where we should refer the ground to—our human nature, that whenever the contents of conversations seem beyond our knowledge, we refused to concede the ill upshot of our ignorance on our pride. 

We pretend to know everything, or ‘almost everything’ to say it the least. We would nod to all the shared stories and agree. Faking facts would do so much to impress others that we would feel very glad because they in turn, of course, would believe everything. Forcing ourselves to making up points would be enough to mask the holes and faults on our grasped understandings list that we do it recurrently since it has become our habit.

Because being the left-out one is such a pain in the ass. We’re afraid of being unaccepted. And we are even more petrified of isolation. The feeling of loss, only God knows how hard it is to bear that we thought by always being one in the lots would verify our level to be the same as the rest. We’re panic of being at the most bottom part of any altitude. And everything goes on in only one stance—pride. Because we're so engulfed in our chaotic life that we take every single things as a competition.

Being the human myself, I don’t want to back any sort of excuses to turn down my truth on the matter. I was very insecure of being the only not-knowing man in the circle. It was when whenever people to seem have the knowledge of something, I would feel very challenged and then bounce back by standing up to the capacity of knowledge that I didn't really have even the slightest idea of.

Little by little on getting closer to open up my mind fully on how these things should be turned over, it came to my realization that I have actually been surrounded by such people that I failed to change my perspective on the matter earlier.

Everyone knows that it’s very important see things in a larger view. But still, most people are unaware of the things that they thought would make them feel superior are actually the things that pressured them the most. And they even failed to realize that—it’s okay. 

It's okay to not know everything because that’s how we grow. It’s okay to be wrong because it’s part of the learning process. It's okay to be different than the rest because that's how we should be. It's okay to be on the bottom because you'll get to where you wanted to be someday. And the most important thing is—it’s okay to be kind to yourself.

The presence

Most of the time, I will be self-consciously engulfed by the thoughts about my presence in this very sphere. It's just a huge blank canvas that I entitled myself to deposit my dormant and constantly filtered crumpled pieces of unsettled notions in my mind. I'm very aware of it.

The curiosity about my own presence in a specific zone may never hurt me even the slightest of that I always just let the thought of it slip away. But the thing about letting things go is they will keep on coming back. Even if it's not, it's just not now.

Maybe the fear to learn the truth is the one that responsible putting us in an ignorance state. As if someone coming at your door that you tell to go away only on their first knock, they didn't even enter. Because we afraid, we will lose to the truth.

But we can't keep on running forever. The truth is, I can't keep on my run. I can barely sense my feet anymore. The sore on my muscles feels denser than before that it makes my head suppressing itself from everything but the agonizing pain. 

I decided that it's time to not only convince and console but also to remind myself that it's okay to open up to the things that I keep on combating against all this time. Even when the judging eyes are hurting, even when the existing ears are not listening, even when the words are cut off and people digress to another topics leaving you feeling unacknowledged.

I was very afraid I would never fit in. Too defeated by the sensational terror-stricken, I lost count on the undesired upshot that may reserve some impacts on the growing thoughts in my head. I can't help but feeling panic thinking my notions being unheard and distorted that I will decide to give up on letting my mind grow. Fret not, I won't. 

Because I'm alive to my presence here.