I grow

There was this unfamiliar feeling that I failed to take fully conscious of its mere existence until I was struck by some intense and detailed reality beats by the differed approximation in my response towards motivational urgency from now and then.

Long time ago, I was an ambitious determination sucker. Working out on solving and repairing that flaw was enjoyable that it had become a habit. I was like a gasoline that only needed a tiny little spark in order to burn big and spread out. And even that, I was the kind of fire that uneasy to be tackled by the strong wind or massive downpour. 

To be good at everything is satisfyingly pleasing. Chasing and hopping around with that extra point in hands undoubtedly grants the permit to feel secured, higher-up and allow us to feel like we belong everywhere.

Perhaps, undergoing different phase of life, did, trigger the unconsciousness of the state of the mind indirectly towards perceptions. Accepting and letting matters to be accepted as the way they are recognized are ecstatically commendable because open-minded peoples are time-worthy and amazingly fun to be around with. 

The thing about being open is that; most of the time, a subject reaches an unsatisfactory halt due to the confusion on deciding the acceptable end to it. All party seems to be right but also wrong. Some other time, the subject not even outstretch to its final close. 

I was somehow afflicted by how unaffected I am now toward being open to positive stimulation that usually never failed to devour me which subsequently intoxicate me to be trapped in that particular phase. I was overwhelmed and jumbled by the changes in me. I mean, it was one of the qualities I have that gratify me.

Looking back at it and after some long deep thoughts, I think I can put the concerns aside as I’m aware of my partial committed to the then habit of accepting everything openly and be affected by it. It’s how selective I can be, as of now, when it’s about motivations.

Of course, it was overwhelming. But at least I know; I actually grow.

Returning

I know this place. 

The scent that the environment gives off is familiar. The atmosphere seems aware of my presence and I thought it’s friendly. I think my trails haven’t been vanished off completely by the thin air.

It’s still in my mind that it once gave me warmth and comfort when I thought that I didn’t own anywhere to bump my body on. Or when it seemed that it’s the best place amongst others to temporarily occupy in. This was once a new place to breathe in. 

I was struggling. Despite the hints of a better comfort, the engulfment by the previous tenderness was still tight. As if it was resisting in letting go, hence the adapting and adjusting that took quite a long time. It’s one thing that I was trying hard to be sensible about my presence in a new place at first, but it’s another thing when I finally didn’t need to be alerted of the distinct environment. I was already used to it.

I couldn’t recall the time when I have diverted to another comfier place and vacate this place deserted. It was instantaneous and unpredicted. It happened abruptly yet willingly. Slowly moving in. No mindful contemplation with unaccompanied back up consideration. Just a heart capacitated with faith on the intention to find a better space to snuggle in.

Although this place was once a place that I had frequently stayed, I’m not going to doubt about the possibility of my failing expectation on the comfort this place has to offer now as compared to then. I know it’s not going to be the same. But I don’t think I just want to turn away either. I have just arrived to this abandoned place that I had once convinced to welcome myself in. I think I can repeat the cycle and start over.

Because I’ve never really left.